Fuck Fort Garry Ale
This is all Adolf’s fault, had it not been for him asking me about Fort Garry Ale in his I am Canadian sub-rant, I would have let this email rot in my sent items folder. Now because he asked, and I don’t know when I’ll have my next real article completed, I’ll toss this crappy email up on the site, and tack on a paragraph or two just for good measure.
From: Dr Gonzo [mailto:drgonzo@ourrant.ca]
Sent: Friday, January 02, 2004 8:51 PM
To: ‘info@fortgarry.com‘
Subject: Made mistake of purchasing your product, please advise.
Greetings,
Just before Christmas I went to my local MLCC with the intent to pick up a case of Big Rock Traditional Ale. Finding none, I opted for another Ale of quality, and so chose a twelve pack of Fort Garry Dark Ale. When I got back home and tried to open and enjoy my ale after chilling, I had to ask myself “Doesn’t Fort Garry use twist off caps and bottles?” After coming close to shredding my hands, I used a bottle opener, only to find that for what it was worth, Fort Garry does use twist off caps and bottles. However all the bottles in my twelve pack seemed to be crimped on by a bottling machine set to ‘Superman Strength’, and as I am not an orphan of Krypton, I required the use of a bottle opener.
On top of this, the ‘Gift Inside’ my twelve pack was a hockey puck with a Premium Light decal on it. Despite the fact that I didn’t purchase your product for the gift, I had to shake my head and laugh over the fact that the decal on my ‘gift’ was for a product that I didn’t purchase. The least that you could have done is include a bottle opener as the gift so that I wouldn’t have been forced to dig in the bottom of my junk drawer looking for mine.
I don’t expect a response from this email, as I’m sure that you’ve already written me off as a crank. But response or not, I will not be purchasing another of your products as I now visually associate Fort Garry Brewing with searing pain.
Dr Gonzo
“I hate to say this,” said my attorney as we sat down at the Merry-Go-Round Bar on the second balcony, “but this place is getting to me. I think I’m getting the Fear.”
——-
The taste is another good reason that I would recommend steering clear of this brew. It used to be a beautiful ale, so good that you could rarely find a bar or lounge in Winnipeg with anything less than an empty keg and an apologetic shoulder shrug when you placed your order. But since Fort Garry Brewing started to pump out light beer, a pilsner, a pale ale, and merged with Two Rivers Brewing to start making swill beer in 1 & 2L jugs (Cold One & Stone Cold Drafts), the taste has taken an expected hit.
FGB obviously wanted to be the next Big Rock (which maintains a strong line-up of ales and lagers), however instead of taking their time and evolving their brews, they instead tried to fast-track by merging with a producer of swill like Two Rivers. In the process, I think the company has lost their identity and way, and their once fine ale lost it’s heart and soul.