Our Rant –> Digital Cynic

Shepherd ’s Pie 10.5
Seasoned ground beef, red skin garlic mashed potatoes and
gravy. With Balsamic-tossed greens and green beans.

To some ears, this will sound hopelessly quaint, but since my dining experiences usually consist of greasy spoons and hamburger joints, what the hell is up with this in restaurants? What exactly does 10.5 mean? Of course I know what it means, but has the dollar sign all of the sudden become the class barrier between fine dining and lower class fare?

I first encountered this phenomenon last summer when Dr. Gonzo, myself and our respective partners were in Edmonton for Jimmypeg’s wedding. We ventured out from the hotel to find a restaurant to have a bite and a few drinks before the big day. We stumbled upon this place that I can’t remember the name of off-hand, but as soon as we stepped in, it had all the earmarks of yuppie hell. We sat down in the lounge, took one look at the drink menu, got up and went somewhere else. The waitress marked us immediately for what we were: a gaggle of rubes who wandered into the wrong place. Her perkiness, ponytailed blond hair and tight black polyester slacks seemed to say “welcome” but her eyes said “Hello! Would you all please leave immediately without making a scene?” Anyway, the menu they had was the first time I encountered this simplistic postmodern version of pricing on menus. We all had a hearty laugh over it as we chowed down on pizza, burgers, fries and beer at a pub down the road.

At least I live in Winnipeg. I said to myself For in spite of all this city’s faults (which there are many), at least I could have a decent meal in a decent restaurant without all the pretentious bullshit that goes along with it. I’m not a high-powered executive, I’m certainly not a man of discerning taste and I’ve got no hang-ups about my simple lifestyle. In fact, it’s something I take a lot of pride in. I certainly don’t need to thumb through menus that are trying to convince me that this restaurant’s chicken wings and potato skins are something akin to cutting-edge worldly cuisine. Last Friday, after my wife and I saw the Rocky Horror Show at the Manitoba Theatre Centre (highly recommended, by the way), we went to a local pub for a couple of drinks and a late night bite. And the aforementioned Sheppard’s Pie was lifted word for word right off the menu.

We didn’t go to some exclusive fine dining establishment. It’s not what I’d consider cheap, but it’s certainly not an expensive place either. The atmosphere is tasteful, but not uncomfortable. It has a British pub feel, and they pretty much exclusively serve British pub food, along with North American lounge staples. I crack the menu open and immediately stifle a laugh. I show my wife and she laughs and rolls her eyes. Fish and chips: 9 Nachos: 10 Burger: 9.5. What are these, ratings? Gimme a fucking break! I felt like paying the bill in some form of obscure legal tender. That’ll be 35, you say? 35 Slovenian Tolars it is! The best part is that only comes out to 22 cents Canadian and I can save my money and eat at a place that is square enough to put a $ somewhere on the menu.

The other problem I have is the dish descriptions on the menu itself. Now, I know a restaurant has to sell its stuff and padding the description with a little BS is okay. But once again, look at what they have to say about their Sheppard’s pie. Sheppard’s pie has got to be the most down-to-earth meal in the world. And they make it sound like this is some kind of crazy new-fangled creation out of Versailles or Manhattan. It’s a fucking mashed potato and hamburger pie! Seasoned? Garlic? BALSAMIC!? What the hell is all this?

Or consider this gem from the same restaurant:

Veggie Burger 9
A savory blend of vegetables, herbs and spices in a grilled patty,
topped with Bruschetta tomatoes on focaccia with pesto mayo.

What in Christ is “pesto mayo”? It sounds like a holiday in a left-wing Central American country.

If I had a lot of money and a lot of motivation, I’d start my own restaurant and I bet you it would be a huge hit:

Grubslingers

Eat, Leave and Shit.

FOOD

Hamburger: $6.50
Ground up cow, fried and served on a bun. Whaddya want, a fucking diagram?
Cheese, Mustard, Ketchup, Tomatoes etc Add $0.00. This is what is supposed to come on a burger, chump.

Nacho Platter: $7.00
Tortilla Chips with unhealthy crap on top of it.
Blood thinning Aspirin Add $1.00

Fusion Grilled Balsamic Foccacia with Fennel Stuffed Cilantro Stuffed Capers and Pesto Mango Cream: $14.00
Are you kidding me? Get the fuck outta here! Someone at the restaurant down the road wants to “overhear” how your investments are doing, dipshit.

Leprosy-infected cook spitting in your food Add $1.00

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